Lying in bed the other night I wondered when I will stop being paranoid that my children are going to die. Yes, die…I know that right now you’re thinking about how morbid I am, but give me a second to explain myself because I’m pretty sure that I’m not the only mom that feels this way.
About 4 years ago when I first became pregnant, I was so excited! Well, as many women do, I miscarried very early in this pregnancy. This devastated me, and for weeks I cried to Adam about how I would never be able to have a child. I wasn’t aware at this time that it was so common. It wasn’t long before I was pregnant again with our first child Ben. I remember when I found out, I was so scared that “it” was going to happen again. When I finally worked up the nerve to call my doctor’s office to schedule an appointment the nurse on the other end asked if I was sure that I was pregnant. I said, “I think so.” She then asked, “How do you know?” I hesitantly told her that I had taken 7 pregnancy tests within the last 2 days. She laughed and assured me that I was most likely pregnant. At this point I asked her what I could do, she then reassured me that I could go about my normal life. Of course I didn’t believe her so I was incredibly careful, I stopped running and exercising, ate only raw fruits and vegetables, drank plenty of water, and still worried every day that my baby was going to die…again. Eventually I started running again, but worried every time I ran more than a couple of miles that something bad was going to happen. The months progressed, baby grew, finally as the doctors planned, Ben was ready to be born on his actual due date. The labor, however, wasn’t progressing as anticipated so an emergency C-Section had to be performed, the baby’s heart rate was racing, then dropping, it was all over the place. Was my baby going to die? After he arrived and I was all loopy from the pain meds and epidural, Ben was taken from me and placed on oxygen for 8 hours. I couldn’t see my little man for 8 hours….that’s a long time and the anxiety grew for me. Was my baby going to die? Well, he was fine and we were able to go home from the hospital within a couple of days. Every time he took a nap that lasted more than an hour, I wondered…is my baby going to die? And then…the first time he slept through the night, I woke up at about 3 AM to go place my hand on his back to feel his soft breathing…is my baby going to die?
I’m beginning to feel more comfortable with the idea that my baby is NOT going to die, however I am terrified for the teenage years that I have ahead of me. I remember my mother waiting up for me until I would arrive home or asking me to wake her up when I came in, just so she didn’t have to worry…is my baby going to die? Do we ever stop worrying…is my baby going to die?
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