Probably just PMS

                    As I sit here in my basement drinking my glass of wine and contemplating marketing a pill form of this wonderful substance, I realize that although it sometimes feels like everyone else in my house, including one of my dogs, needs to be medicated, it is probably just me. I know that I’ve mentioned this several times before, but hear me out.

1. Saturday I went grocery shopping, with Batman. Nobody commented, apparently I am the only one that thinks this is odd.

2. While in the grocery store, I perused the wine isle. I decided that a regular sized bottle was not big enough. I justified this by telling myself that the larger bottle was “a better deal.”

3. I lost my cell phone this weekend somewhere in between exiting my house and entering our car. This is only about 17 steps. Yes, I retraced my steps, yes I searched the pockets, car, and ground, and NO…IT CANNOT BE LOCATED. Pretty sure a rabid raccoon stole it while my back was turned or something.

4. I left my friend in my car with my two children while I ran into the store really quick to buy dog food. After entering the dog food isle, my anxiety kicked in (This may sound familiar to some, refer back to a September post titled Our New Dog Food) and I spent much longer than necessary walking back and forth reading dog food labels, checking and re-checking prices, and going over in my head what flavors my dogs would like best. Oh, and then I spontaneously decided to check into a calming medication for one of our overly hyperactive dogs. This took another 10 minutes.  So, after my quick trip of “be right back” turned into an anxiety-filled extended amount of time, I exited the store and entered the parking lot where I ran with the cart to the car…the running saved about 12 seconds, at the time I thought this was helpful.

5. After arriving home from a friend’s baby shower yesterday to find the kitchen still a mess, toys spread throughout the living room, and dinner not started, I was in a foul mood. Apparently, I thought the magical “mom’s out of the house” fairy was going to come for a visit. She did not.  

          So, I realize that none of these are huge, life-changing experiences, and it’s probably just PMS starting to kick in, and in reality I do not want anyone in my house to be medicated, aside from our hyperactive Golden Retriever, but I do know that if it were socially acceptable to consume a bottle of wine every day I’d probably be in a much better mood most of the time!

Dinner without Batman?

            My drive home from work today was a bit of a blur as I wiped tears out of my eyes almost the entire way home. I have just started in a new position at work, and was handed my new training schedule on my way out the door today by my supervisor. Although I had mentioned to my husband that there may be a chance of me having to be away from the family for a few days, it became a reality when I looked at the training schedule only to find that I will be required to be away from home for 3 weeks (weekends home) and then a few other days throughout the 9 week course will be spent in hotels also. I am going to have to be away from my babies and alone, COMPLETELY ALONE, in a hotel room for 3 weeks. Shortly after arriving home today and drying my tears, my kids greeted me as they walked through the door. Benji instantly needed to poop, and walked straight to the bathroom, stripped his clothes, left the door open, sat on the toilet, and grunted loudly for all to hear. As he walked out of the bathroom, we went through the standard interrogation:

Me: Did you flush?

Ben: Yes.

Adam: Did you wipe?

Ben: Yes. (while bending over completely naked, hands on the floor, but in the air to prove his point)

Adam: Looks like a clean wipe, good job!

(Keep in mind that nothing seems out of the ordinary here, it’s become so commonplace to ask those questions that I have to stop myself from questioning people at work sometimes)

Shortly after the early evening poop, Ben found a pair of underwear to put on (backwards of course). We stepped outside to chat with some friends who happened to be walking by, Ben followed, in underwear, carrying his Batman costume. While chatting with our friends and never breaking stride in conversation, I helped Benji place on leg into the costume, then the other, and then his arms, tied the back tight…and we now have a muscle-chested Batman on the front porch…in cowboy boots. (This is still normal for me) After our friends continued with their walk, and my husband left for his school, Batman, Presley, and I headed back inside to have dinner. I had prepared homemade baked mac and cheese with sausage for dinner. Benji requested cinnamon flavored cheerios as a topping for his mac and cheese along with his glass of milk that requires one ice cube and a splash of water out of the dispenser in the refrigerator. (This is all still very normal) After dinner, the weather was still beautiful, a perfect fall day, so we went for a walk. Batman rode his bike, I pushed Presley in the stroller, and walked both dogs. Passersby frequently comment that I have my hands full, but any mom can easily juggle 1 baby, a Batman, 2 dogs, and probably an entire herd of wild cats…and 14 grocery bags. Anyway, we went on a lengthy walk, and when we returned home, I got Presley ready for bed as she could barely stop rubbing her sleepy eyes, and then found a cowboy show for Batman to watch, Bonanza to be exact. Presley was laid to bed, and Ben was content for a few minutes while I cleaned up the mess from dinner and the toys that had been carelessly left all over the living room floor. Batman’s grandpa arrived (everyone has a grandpa, even Batman), so I could head out for a 45 minute workout session, and upon returning Ben was put to bed by grandpa and the house was quiet, quiet enough for me to continue cleaning. And with all of this quiet, I became sad again…and wondered, WHAT THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO IN A HOTEL ROOM ALL ALONE FOR 3 WEEKS? No cooking, no cleaning, no wiping anyone else’s butt, no daycare, no cartoons, and dinners without Batman?  It will definitely be the absolute most ABNORMAL thing that has happened to me since I have had a family.

32 Tiny Turds

            Presley was the only one who was able to nap today, and it was a wonderful and peaceful 3 hours! Benjamin “worked” very hard all day helping his cousin load and unload wood for Ham and Paw (Grandma and Grandpa), stack and re-stack hay in the barn, being Batman and then a wardrobe change which transformed him in to a cowboy, and playing “guys” with his other cousin. It was a struggle to get Benjamin to sit down for 5 minutes to have lunch and dinner. The dogs, much like Benji, did not receive their usual 8 hour nap while everyone was out of the house, and were loving the fresh farm air, yummy cow poop, cats to chase, and the “possible”  (opossum) that they tormented while in the barn. After the “possible” was relocated far from the house out in the woods, the dogs were finally able to relax, but still had to sniff every tree and blade of grass…after all, a dog’s work is NEVER complete. After a very long and energy expending day, we were finally headed home. Yes, all of us…in my Dodge Avenger. Before I go on, let me explain our seating arrangement. Obviously I was in the driver’s seat, Oakley our golden retriever rode shotgun, Presley rear driver’s side in a carseat, Mason the puggle rides rear middle curled up in a tiny ball, and Benji rear passenger side in a carseat. It’s a tight squeeze, but we make it work. Anyway, moving on with my story, after pulling out of my parent’s driveway with the car bursting at the seams, Benji was asleep before we had even driven one mile. Oakley was asleep in the front seat, Mason passed out in the back, and then there’s Presley…again, the only one of us that had taken a nap! Wide awake! She talked the entire way home in baby babble, played with her sockless feet, ate and smeared a graham cracker all over her face and shirt, and was ecstatic when we finally arrived home because she was ready to play! Presley became even more excited when I walked into the house and turned on the water for her much needed bath. She played and splashed for a while, and then when daddy pulled her out of the tub, the climax of excitement hit when she was allowed a few minutes of “nakey time!” During nakey time, Presley crawls as fast as she can around the kitchen and living room laughing and smiling, especially if someone tries to chase her. Adam and I were watching tv, being parents of the year, thinking that as long as we could hear her she was fine! And she was fine, don’t get me wrong, just not being directly supervised! She continued crawling around the floor wanting to play, until daddy decided it was time to dress her in the pajamas that had been laid out for bed. After she was dressed, I picked her up to make her bottle, and Adam went to use the bathroom…and what did he find? Apparently during nakey time, Presley had decided to poop about 32 tiny turds all over the bathroom floor. And then…the topper for the night….Adam yells for the dogs to come clean it up! Yes, he really did that. Then, he looked at me and said, “WHAT?” The letters “OMG” must have been clearly written on my forehead, or maybe it was the look of “you’re an idiot” that I was giving him, but he didn’t follow through. Don’t worry, I put a stop to it, and he was forced to clean the bathroom floor. Sometimes I really wonder, what the hell happens when I’m not around to supervise???

Chaps

          To be honest, I’ve been somewhat distracted lately with being incredibly busy with the kids, taking a new position at work that will begin next Monday, setting up appointments with realtors and lenders to start the process of buying a new home, and everything else that happens in between all of the scheduled appointments and daily routines. After a struggle getting to sleep last night with my mind racing, and a sleep that consisted of strange dreams (the ones that make you feel like you didn’t sleep at all), I was reminded this morning that I need to slow down and realize what’s really important.

          Presley was awake bright and early with a snotty nose and a less than thrilled look on her face about the molars that she’s trying to grow. I pumped her full of Tylenol, gave her breakfast, and she was content. I went upstairs to sing Benji awake. I found him on his top bunk. I never know where he’s going to be in the mornings…bottom bunk, top bunk, Spiderman couch, chair in the living room, our bed…could be anywhere! Anyway, as I sang to him he started to move, he slowly stretched and then sat up with his eyes squinting from the lights, felt around his bed in search of the one thing that he cannot be without. His bright blue cowboy hat…to match his bright blue cowboy boots of course! And with his hat sturdily placed on his head and eyes still groggy he was ready to begin his day. I lifted him down off the top bunk and carried him downstairs to his “wake up chair” that he sits in for a few minutes before actually conversing with anyone or having breakfast. After a couple of minutes, he began his normal morning routine with his cowboy hat on. Bathroom, clothes, breakfast and juice. After putting his cowboy boots on, we were about to walk out the door…and then Benji began to scan the living room and kitchen for something. I asked him what he was looking for and he told me that he needed chaps. I explained to Ben that he doesn’t have any chaps, and to try to rush him along I may have mentioned to him that Santa may be able to find some chaps. (Yes, I’m already starting to use Santa to my advantage and it’s only October) Sadly, Benji looked up at me and said, “But real cowboys have chaps.” Obviously the Santa thing wasn’t going to work with this one, but I did reassure him that he is, in fact, a real cowboy, but we needed to head off to daycare. He was satisfied enough with my answer and headed out to the car. While driving to daycare to drop the kids off, I realized that I need to stop being so stressed out. Sometimes all ya need in life is a day off to be a cowboy, who cares about all of the other stuff!

(This is only one of his many cowboy hats!)

"Soccerball"

            For 6 weeks I’ve raced out of work, picked the kids up from daycare, rushed home to pick up the soccerball juice, soccerball, soccerball “chin” guards, and soccerball shoes…and then pulled into the parking lot of the soccerball field screeching my tires trying not to be “that mom who never gets her kids anywhere on time.” Since Adam is away at class every week on soccerball night, I pretended to be that awesome soccer mom that has her shit together…for 6 long weeks. Here’s a brief week by week synopsis of our soccerball camp. Keep in mind this program was designed for 3-4 year olds.

 

Week 1: Arrive at soccerball 5 minutes late, the other kids are already on the field running in circles, and there are no parking spaces so ALL of the parents stare as I park crookedly in the grass. As I step out of my non-soccer mom car in my heels and dress clothes, I let Benji out of the car, go get Presley out of the car, and head to the field. The coach greets us, gives Ben a high five, and he’s off. Things appear to be going well, until Ben ran up to me asking for his drink. Yeah, I hadn’t packed anything. I didn’t realize that 3 year olds strained themselves so much in 45 minutes that they needed 3 drink breaks.  Luckily, a much more prepared parent with an unopened water bottle saved the day. Benji was not happy about the water, but he settled for it eventually…after all, this was a strenuous activity that required constant hydration. Now it’s time for Parent Participation! Keep in mind…heels, soccer field…and a 10 month old in my arms. Awesome. I head to the field, my job is to be Ben’s partner and kick the ball back and forth. In my mind I was about to be recruited for the USA team, however looking back on this, I must have looked like “that mom that purposely wears fancy clothes and pretends to be super energetic and positive 100% of the time.” Yeah, that person annoys me…until I become that person!

 

Week 2: This week, most of the kids seemed to listen to the coach better. There were still 2 kids that sat with their parents on the sidelines crying because they were too anxiety ridden to go out onto the field. I sat with Presley on the sidelines and watching one child bear crawl around the entire soccer field pushing the ball with her head while her mom followed her around shouting, “no donkey kicking at soccer.” “You should stand up…we’re not donkeys.” Meanwhile, I came to the realization that she and her child both looked like donkeys. I’m not judging.

 

Week 3: The coach tried to teach the children about the number one rule in soccer…”no hands!” Benji, however, thinks it’s funny to pick the ball up and throw it into the goals. When the coach gave the direction to kick the cones over with the balls…Benji looked around at the other children following directions, picked his ball up, held it in his arms, and raced around to kick every cone over that he could with his foot. He was obviously able to do this much faster than the other kids who kicked the cones over with the ball! He was so proud of himself.

Week 4: And then, he pooped his pants. I didn’t find out until we got home. I wondered why he wandered around aimlessly, refused to listen to directions, and acted very withdrawn. We went to McDonalds for dinner anyway. This was an unsuccessful couple of weeks and I didn’t feel like making dinner!

Week 5: Apparently Benji had been starved and deprived of a drink the entire day at daycare. Without fail, every 5 minutes he raced over to Presley and me, grabbed a handful of cheerios and a drink of his “soccerball juice” (Gatorade) and raced back to the field.

Week 6: This is it, in the 45 minutes of practice they stretched, made goals, chased the coach around, had 3 drink breaks, dribbled the balls, and actually looked like they understood some actual soccer skills. Then…it was award time. Benji officially completed 6 weeks of LIL KICKERS SOCCER!!!!

 

Next up…basketball!