Where did the Confidence Go?

            I distinctly remember being about 10 years old, maybe 14, who really knows, and not afraid of anything. There was no fear in jumping off the school bus and racing to the horse pen only to jump on the back of one of my less than cooperative horses with no saddle, no bridle, nothing. I wasn’t scared to fall off and it never worried me that I was home alone unsupervised and at any time something horrific could have happened and nobody would have known until my mother arrived home from work.  I was fearless in all of the sports I played and never backed down even though I was often one of the shortest people on the team. Slide head first into home plate with a 300 lb catcher…no problem! And when I turned 21 and was able to go to clubs, I never failed to walk through the doors knowing that I was the hottest girl in the bar and if necessary I could beat the tar out of any other snotty girl that said otherwise, or at least take off my 4 inch heal and hit her with it!

            So, now I’ve celebrated the 4^th anniversary of my 25^th birthday, been married for over 4 years and not without some battles, have two wonderful children, survived 4 moves into new homes in less than one year, have tackled a new job, run a half marathon, made some new friends, taken up some new hobbies, and learned how to use the grill (finally)…and I wonder, where did the confidence go? It seems like I’ve accomplished some pretty spectacular things, at least in my own opinion, and yet I walk into a club now and feel completely out of place, put a helmet on when I ride a horse, and sliding in softball or diving in volleyball…simply out of the question! I gained a few years and many more amazing experiences and apparently lost my coolness, or maybe gained a sense of reality. I’m not quite sure which it is, maybe I’m stuck somewhere in the middle.

            I went for a long run tonight, alone this time, because I wanted to think. I thought about how it was when I didn’t have these fears, no sense of real life, and no real responsibilities other than going to the gym and making sure my dog was fed twice a day. It was okay to have some dishes in the sink, and it was okay to skip a day of school or work to watch re-runs of 90210, and sometimes it was even okay to have a beer before going to work! And now…rush home from work, make dinner, wash the kids, put them in bed, do the dishes, get the laundry clean (who cares if there’s no time to fold it), and then…if I’m lucky enough to have any energy left…a glass (or bottle) of wine for the night. And although I’m able to tackle all of that in a couple of hours, it’s still sometimes difficult to get back on the horse!