Of course you should have another baby!!!

            When you’re done, you’re done…right? I’ve had several women tell me this about having children.  Something internally tells us when it’s time to become pregnant, and apparently something internally also tells us when we’re done! I haven’t yet felt the “when you’re done, you’re done” feeling, a huge disappointment to my husband and contrary to what he believes, we can’t help this…it’s good old Mother Nature doing her job. I really believe that everything happens for a reason, pregnancies and miscarriages alike, at least that’s what I told myself when I had a miscarriage before I became pregnant with my two kiddos. It seems logical. Anyway, what happens when you have a husband like mine, and I know many of you do, that believes “all decisions need to be made based on right or wrong, not feelings?”

            The conversation came up this weekend during one of our extended car rides. This is always a great time to talk because it is inevitable that the kids will both fall asleep and Adam can’t physically escape the conversation….even though his mind is wrapped up in re-playing the 3 softball games that he and his team have just finished playing. I asked him what he thought about some friends of ours wanting to have a third child. Adam promptly stated that with all of the new tax and healthcare changes, it would be crazy to have another child. Honestly, he’s probably right. I know that many out there float around in the same financial boat as we do, getting by with little money to spare, and NOTHING expensive better come up because…well, IT JUST BETTER NOT! At this time, I really cannot imagine paying for daycare for a third child, or buying more food, or more diapers. But…the financial aspect of it doesn’t seem to change Mother Nature’s mind or a women’s biological clock when it comes to wanting another baby. I’m not sure what side to take on this matter, or what to tell my friends when they ask, “should I have another baby?” Obviously this is never my decision when it comes to friends, however women always ask their friends this question, and ALL women always answer with, “YES, OF COURSE YOU SHOULD!” Right and wrong flies out the window when the thought of a new baby enters the picture, and when you think of a potential new baby, you immediately imagine the smell of a new baby, and the sound of their little tiny breaths….and, “YES, OF COURSE YOU SHOULD HAVE ANOTHER BABY!!!!” It’s always great to watch your friends have new babies. You get to hold and play with and hear the stories without losing all of the sleep! But then it happens, you eventually catch the fever and you want another baby…and the little voice (your husband) in your head replays over and over again, “we can’t afford it.” You know that he’s probably right, but the predicament arises when we have to make the decision to act upon our feelings or give up on our feelings and go with what we think we can afford.

            I think that within 2-4 years, I may be facing this exact predicament. It’s sad that we have to base our family size on the economy today, but is that really the smart thing to do? I really do believe that Mother Nature knows what she’s doing. If she wants  you to have another baby, you probably will, and the more steps you take to prevent that, the more unhealthy you may become, maybe not physically, but emotionally…will you ever forgive yourself for not having that third baby? Will you always have regrets? I don’t know the answers to these questions, maybe I will in a few years so we’ll call this a “to be continued” for now. But I really do wonder what the best decision is?

What Did You Think Would Happen?

I came across this ecard and thought it was hilarious, probably because there is so much truth in it! I posted it to facebook and emailed it to all of my friends, but then continued to think about it throughout the night. The break down in society happened when people went from a good old fashioned diaper puff, to a timeout, at least that’s my opinion, and I’ve found my opinion to be right about 98% of the time! Please don’t take offense to this if you are a “timer-outer”, because I do believe that this can be a very effective consequence if used correctly, and I know that it has to be used in certain circumstances such as daycare facilities, or if you are in ANY PUBLIC PLACE and don’t want 13 strangers to call CPS or the police on you. I have to say though, I think that time outs are often used to the point where they become very ineffective. I was almost, yes almost, offended about 9 months ago at one of Ben’s regular well-child checkups when the doctor felt the need to ask us what type of discipline we used. I remember it like it was yesterday, Adam and I looked at each other, neither of us knowing what to say. If we tell him that we have spanked our child will we instantly have our parental rights terminated?? I’m pretty sure after the “deer in the headlights” stare I jumped back to reality and said “We use time-outs!” Remember, that’s only a half-lie since I do also use time-outs, actually it’s probably only 1/8^th of a lie because it’s very rare that we have to do anything physical with Ben, he really is a good boy most of the time, I’m lucky. Anyway, after I threw out my 1/8^th of a lie, the tension in the room evaporated, Adam and I both took a deep breath, and the doctor reassured us that he was happy with that and that “there really is no room in today’s world for corporal punishment.” We escaped the appointment with full custody of Ben, knowing well that a swat to a diapered bottom isn’t really corporal punishment and that we are still better parents than all of our friends, at least that’s what we tell ourselves behind our friend’s backs. You know that you do this too so stop judging me!

Anyway, I realize that doctors, teachers, daycare providers, friends and family all help to raise a child, I truly believe that it takes a village, but when did my parenting ability and skills become EVERYONE’S business? I do appreciate hints, tips, and advice that often come from mothers or friends who have already “been through it,” but I want my doctor to provide health care, my daycare provider to provide care, and teachers to educate. In many of the professions that I have had, I’ve been handed the responsibility of being a mandatory reporter for any suspected neglect or abuse so I understand why many of these people do report issues….but c’mon, there’s  HUGE difference between a hand slap or swat on a diapered bottom and actual abuse and neglect. To this day, my mom swears that I was a good child (excluding my teenage years) and that she only spanked me a couple of times. Let me tell you though, those couple of times stuck with me and I never misbehaved because I didn’t want to be spanked again! Now, if it were a time out, eh…those are over in a couple of minutes…but a spanking, THAT HURTS or at least hurts your pride, even as a 3 year old!  My parents were not abusers, nor were they power hungry, but they were good parents and they believed in rules and discipline, and they’ve passed that on to their children. I love and respect my parents and family…a lot more than I’ve seen many “non-disciplined” children. I would never push my mom, punch my dad, steal money from a wallet or purse...all because of the rules and morals that were set when I was very young…and I know that back in the day there were no timeouts! So, as the picture says…What did you think would happen when you took away our parent’s rights to beat our asses?

My New Bat Bag

          Yes, I could have found a babysitter. Yes, my kids probably would have behaved decent for a babysitter, and yes, I probably would have had a MUCH better time at my rec softball game if I wouldn’t have taken my two children. But…I took them anyway because who is going to babysit willingly without tv and air conditioning being hooked up and who wants to babysit two kids that scream like banshees when I leave? Nobody!

          Here was my night:

4:30: out of work, rush home to get my softball jersey, cleats, and glove. Pack the  diaper bag with snacks, juice, toys, diapers, wipes…and my jersey,   cleats and glove! (who needs a bat bag when you can stuff everything you need for your softball game in your trendy diaper bag?)

5:00: pick kids up from daycare, drive my father-in-law to pick up his car at the shop.

5:30: Pick up a healthy dinner of McDonalds, and an Iced Tea for myself since I had forgotten to pack water in the rush of the evening.

6:00:  Finally, at the game…and on time! Ready to go!

          I get Ben to sit down at the picnic table by the ball field so I can keep an eye on him while he eats his “Donalds,” give Presley a mcnugget to gnaw on so she doesn’t scream when I pass her on to whoever will hold her, and I’m off to the field where I’ll end up playing a less than mediocre third base. In all of the hustle, I can’t imagine why it’s a little tough to focus on the game?!? After the inning is over, Ben is finished with “Donalds” and is off to the playground, where he may or may not fall and crack his head when I notice him climbing on top of the covered slide rather than sliding down inside of it. Presley is crying because her nugget is gone. I quickly put one french fry in each of her hands and rush to the playground to rescue my child from the mild concussion that he is about to have when his cowboy boot slips and he falls to the ground from atop the play equipment. (yes, this is how my mind works unfortunately) It’s almost my turn to go bat…but…”Mommy, I wanna go potty.” I urge Ben to go behind the bleachers and pee, but he told me no and that he had to poop in the potty! To help you understand the significance of this, Ben telling me that he has to poop before he has already left a “log” in his pants is equivalent to witnessing a solar eclipse, it happens rarely, but when it does it’s amazing! So, needless to say, I had to pick him up and run to the ball field bathroom that is just one step above a portable outhouse. He pooped! Amazing! I picked him up and rushed back to the field, which seemed to be about 3.4 miles away! Carrying a 38 lb child can make even the shortest walk very difficult. The game continued, Ben went back to the perilous playground, barefoot this time, and Presley continued to cry. Eventually the game concluded, we won, without the help of the very distracted third baseman, and I got Presley to stop crying. We went home, she fell asleep in the car, Ben took a bath, and the night was finally calm. I just really want to know…when did my ball bag turn into a diaper bag?  

In the Arms of an Angel

            I’m not sure if it’s a “mom” thing or a “woman” thing, but isn’t it funny how your emotions have completely changed from the time you were 18, or even 21, to now? I promise that I would never call any of us old, because I am a firm believer that you’re only as old as you feel, but for the sake of this argument we’ll just call us “experienced in life.” Back to my point…as a teenager one of your friends falls down, you giggle, now…you wince and rush to their aid. As a child you clap your hands and cheer for the firefighter that comes to your school for a presentation, now you fight back the tears because you watch a firefighter on television rescuing an elderly man, or a baby, or even a dog from a burning building. As a child you may cry at Christmas because you didn’t get everything you wanted, and now as a parent you cry yourself to sleep because you can’t afford to buy your child everything he wanted for Christmas, or maybe not necessarily everything he wanted, but you couldn’t buy him everything you wanted him to have. On a much lighter note, as a child it is the end of the world if your best friend moves to the next city, and as an adult you’re so happy for your friends when they move away for a new job or new opportunity.

            I think this happens, especially to women, about the time we stop getting free drinks in bars. Reality hits right around that time, men move on to buying drinks for the “less experienced” and we begin to see life for what it really is, HARD! I cannot speak for everyone, but I am imagining that we all feel similar, at least sometimes. As I was arriving home from vacation last week, I a saw young, and by young I mean he couldn’t have been more than 22, Navy seaman who appeared to be returning from duty overseas, or at least this is what my imagination has led me to believe. He was standing by a man that appeared to be a very proud father. I made eye contact with the young man and just smiled, I wanted to go hug him to thank him for serving our country, but it took everything I had in me to not cry. All I could picture that moment was my own son being shipped off to Afghanistan, or any other war-ridden country for that matter. As proud as I would be, and as I am of all of the men and women who do go off to war, I think my nerves and emotions would get the best of me as a mother. I’d be a wreck! Everything that happens, I now instantaneously put myself or my family into that situation, and here come the tears! The horribly sad commercial that features Sarah McLachlan and displays all of the abused and neglected animals gets me every time. Yes, I consider my dogs and cats part of the family, and I can’t imagine anyone ever being so cruel. Commercials that show starving children make me want to empty my life savings. It is sad enough to think about children being so hungry, but it also saddens me to imagine how the mothers of those children feel when they cannot provide a piece of bread for their babies.

            Now that I have everyone singing the song “In the Arms of an Angel,” I’ll depart by saying that it sure was a lot easier being a kid. You weren’t afraid of anything, you were invincible, and you didn’t really care that your parents worried about you every single day. Now I’m the parent, and...it sure was a lot easier being a kid!

Ahhh...back home

We arrived home from our weeklong vacation from reality. Obviously, we have arrived home safe and sound, and my parents who were caring for our kids and dogs did not have to use any of the emergency medical or parental rights authorizations that I had written up, nor did my dogs have to be given to their rightful Godparents. Yes, I know, I need to be medicated for this anxiety! In case you were wondering, which I know you weren’t, the cats are fine too. They had been left in our house without any supervision for a week. A friend had come over periodically to feed and change litter, but imagine how the house smells after 2 cats have been locked inside for a week with all of the windows shut. Ahhhh…good to be home, back to reality. For an entire week I was without children, without pets, without cleaning, cooking, or a job, it’s quite the shock to pull in the driveway to reality, and I don’t think I like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I missed my kids terribly, and my loving animals too, but it was great to just be “me and Adam” again! We woke up when we wanted, we ate when we wanted, drank what we wanted, and left our amazing condo overlooking the ocean…whenever we wanted. I didn’t have to carry diapers or wipes, and the only ibuprofen I carried in my 21 year old sized purse (this is much smaller than my typical mom purse) was to cure a hangover, not to soothe sore teeth. No dog walking, no cleaning the litter box…just me and Adam hanging out and acting a lot like we did when we first met. For the most part, and for one full week, we joked, loved, touched, and laughed like we did 5 years ago. There were still a few times when we argued, or got annoyed, hard not to do that when we’re spending 24 hours together every day, but the vacation was great, we were great.

Annnnd then…home. We picked the kids and dogs up from my parent’s house, made a quick stop at Meijer, and we headed home. Presley cried the whole ride, Ben asked his rather annoying “why” about everything that we said, and the dogs proceeded to smear their noses all over the windows in the back of my Durango. When we arrived home and walked through the door, we were quickly reminded of the mess that we had left. Usually, before vacations, or leaving for the weekends, I try to get the house in order and cleaned up, but there just wasn’t time before this vacation. And when I say there was no time, I mean that I checked out of reality about a week and a half ago and stopped cleaning, cooking, and did only the bare necessities to get by until our real vacation actually started. Most of our day yesterday was spent cleaning, getting snacks and dinner around, organizing, and working on Adam’s vehicle that apparently “went on vacation” too and decided not to start once we arrived home! It is good to be home, I guess…but it’s only been a day and I already miss my vacation from reality!

A mother's guilt...

    I'm on vacation, in an amazing condo for the week, with amazing people. No responsiblities, no schedule, and nothing that we HAVE to do! I wake up to the view and sound of the ocean outside my window. No alarm and definitely nobody coming into my bedroom saying "Mommy, wake up!" Nothing! And....I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I know that may be hard to understand for some, but many of you know exactly what I mean, especially those of you who have children. I'm having fun, trying to sleep in, and staying up past 9pm...where are my children?  My kids are with my parents for a week, having a vacation of their own with tractors to play on, horses to ride, and their cousins living so close that they'll be able to play every day. Why do I feel guilty?
  I think this is a mom thing. It has taken me a while, and I still sometimes wish for the days without children. Don't get me wrong, I love them more than life itself and would never, ever trade my children for anything...but when people say "I can't imagine life without them," I don't get that! I can definitely imagine life without them! I HAD a life without them and it was polar opposite of what I have now. Pre-children, it was nothing new to stay up until 4 am partying at the after-party and then waking up at 7 am to be at work on time. I could handle that then, probably because I was able to take a nap after work! Pre-children, I got a text message to go out to the bar spur of the moment, hell yeah! It was easy when I didn't have to find a babysitter! And now, I'm without kids again, for an entire week, and I don't know what to do with myself! By noon we have plans of going out to the bar and dancing, by 8 pm I'm ready for bed! We stay up late talking, partying, laughing, I'm still up at 6am ready to take the kids to daycare and go to work! I have no idea how to do this vacation thing anymore!
   I think about my life before kids, and yes, I can still imagine it, but it has become just that, my imagination. Sort of like imagining you're a millionaire, you always want it, until you become it and then you can't handle it (ahem..Lindsay Lohan!) I was that once, and it sure was fun for a few years, but this is what I want. A family, a marriage, and my AWESOME kiddos! Now, I just need to figure out how to get through this week with no kids, no responsibilites, staying up past 9pm! Hopefully before we leave I'll stop feeling guilty for not feeling guilty!
  

You're the one he missed out on

            So you had this great boyfriend waaaaay back when, and then for whatever reason it didn’t work out. Secretly you still stalk him on facebook, and sometimes you even still drive by where he works because driving by his house is far too obvious. You definitely don’t want him back, but you need to make sure that he still wants you. You need to make sure that he has moved on a little, but that you could have him back at any time. After time, this goes away, but you’ll always wonder what he’s doing, how he’s doing.  We all have one of those guys, be honest.

            So what happens when you run into that guy? First, you ask how things are going? He says great, but he obviously  means that he’s doing okay and his wife is just okay, it’s you that he really wishes he had. Second you ask how his wife is doing. He says that she’s doing great…what he means is that she hasn’t lost the baby weight after the second child, and it’s you that he still thinks is hot! Third, you ask how the kids are. He says that they’re growing like a weed. What he doesn’t want to tell you is that his kids aren’t as smart as yours, or as cute for that matter!

            Why do we do this? If you don’t do this now, you have, so stop judging me! Everything that you’ve always wanted is right in front of you. You have the man you always wanted, the life you always wanted, and the children that you never knew you wanted until they changed your life forever and now you can’t imagine how you were ever happy without them. You even have the dogs and cats (and rabbits!) that your husband hates, but puts up with because you want them and love them! What more could you want? Well, it makes us feel good to be desired. If you had the chance to go back to your past love for one day with no consequences would you do it? Absolutely not.  But how much of a self-esteem boost is it when your husband’s friends mention how hot you are, or you catch the guy at work checking out your butt, or more importantly your ex-boyfriend? Flattering right? You can smile and reminisce right now…nobody will ever have to know that you agree with me. You know that your husband or boyfriend loves you and thinks you’re sexy even when he doesn’t tell you, but it feels good when you know someone else thinks you’re hot too. Don’t worry, it’s normal and it happens to the best of us, and we’re still the hot ones that he missed out on!